ADVERTISEMENT

• (925): View more from California

  Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through

  Fav 11 1496 1085

  share tweet
  

• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought

  Fav 33 1560 2430

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (713): View more from Texas

  PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering

  Fav 39 947 3667

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

  Fav 13 6983 1440

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"

  Fav 33 6141 1374

  share tweet
  

• (615): View more from Tennessee

  is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

  Fav 13 3578 1371

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?

  Fav 8 798 1406

  share tweet
  

• (410): View more from Maryland

  She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

  Fav 10 2019 863

  share tweet
  

• (240): View more from Maryland

  I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.

  Fav 1 799 512

  share tweet
  

• (317): View more from Indiana

  You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.

  Fav 2 1167 588

  share tweet
  

• (207): View more from Maine

  I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.

  Fav 0 806 461

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (805): View more from California

  I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.

  Fav 3 805 570

  share tweet
  

• (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.

  Fav 0 569 491

  share tweet
  

• (813): View more from Florida

  What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.

  Fav 2 196 289

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (480): View more from Arizona

  I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.

  Fav 0 26 50

  share tweet
  

Randomize