Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
