Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The beers last night were like the tears from god
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
