Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
