An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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