On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
