He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
