sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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