At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
