I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
