So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
