Define "chronic" masturbator.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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