I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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