I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
