I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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