You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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