in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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