She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
