I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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