my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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