i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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