If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
