Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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