I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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