You know, be my cock's hype man.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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