The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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