Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
