we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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