I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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