If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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