The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
