At least make sure they are 18
Why
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
