I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize