i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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