I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize