The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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