Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
