Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize