I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
