How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
