I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
