1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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