all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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