i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
