I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
