Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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