Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She swung at the pinata with crutches
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize