Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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