I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
