hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
