Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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