The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
