I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
