I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dignity is for republicans.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
