Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
