I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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