Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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